Monday, February 04, 2008

From My Morning's Journal

Some days you wake up ready to conquer the world. You're feeling good about things, good about yesterday, and even better about today. You just plain feel good about life.

But not every day is like that.

This morning I woke up with a pit in my stomach. Painfully aware of my shortcomings from the previous days, I felt burdened. Not a burden of sin - I know that has been taken care of, and I am so very grateful. But sorrowful at my heart's condition revealed by the sin and failure of words and thoughts. I had served, acting out my commitment to love, but my thoughts were self-centered the whole time. "Will they love me more if I do this?" "What are they thinking of me now?" "Does this count as something special to them?"

Oh, to be free from self - self centeredness, self concern, self evaluation, self this, self that. Self. Self. Self.

These thoughts and prayers were written in my personal journal entry today:

I need desperately to grow in genuine love. I am so very self-centered. It is sickening. But I continue to be unable to alter such gross error.

My part: repentance. So repent I will.

"Father, forgive me for self-concern, even in the midst of serving. There is always a large component of 'it's all about me' in what I do. Horrendous and yucky. I need Your help. Pelase, make me more like Jesus, way down deep where it really counts. Amen."

Then the Lord graciously fed my soul and spirit through His Word, my daily bread.

Matt. 5.1-12. The Beatitudes.

We find Jesus surrounded by crowds who have followed Him from all over. This was no simple daytrip for these folks. They were using up all of their sick days and vacation days in order to be here. Why? What were they seeking? Something was propelling them, and it wasn't mere pleasure. This was no waterfun park, no luxury resort with adjoining tennis courts and golf course. No, they were here to listen to Jesus. This was a man with powerful life-giving words that met their needs, their deepest needs.

"Well, Lord," I thought, "I am desperate to see a deep need filled. Help me, too."

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Wait a minute. He's talking about me right here. I qualify. My desperate prayer reveals the sad but happy truth - I fit the bill! My help and my hope are intrinsically linked to this, my very need. Because of my poverty, I now have the kingdom of heaven. He is, once again, my portion.

I cannot do the works of God apart from Him and so today I offer up my life, my heart and mind, my thoughts and words and deeds to Him. May He continue to do a work in my life to make me more like Him. I place it in His hands and I know He will perform the good work He has begun in me.

Revelation of sin leads to repentance and a crying out for His help. He will answer the desperate heart's cry, He will fill, and He will provide what I cannot: true love.


Blogger Kate said...

Every day is not like that, thank you for being so real!

I just read Matthew 5 two days ago. This was what I wrote in my journal... I think it applies :-)

"Mt. 5:6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." The word tells us if we desire the things of God (righteousness) we will be filled with them. It doesn't say blessed are those who try really hard to be righteous"

You are hungering, thirsting, for righteousness ... a sincere heart in service, and I believe that as you did approach the throne desiring such that you we were filled.

6:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to hear that you are COMPLETELY healed! Where did this love of swing dancing come from? Is it in your blood or is it a more recently gained fondness? I miss teaching and I would love to exchange/share moves sometime! Eric is game, too! He's pretty good although you can imagine he doesn't love being in front of a crowd...

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